You Belong in 1973


If you scored...

1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.

1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!

1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.

1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

Peel Me Away...

if there is anything that I've learned over the course of my eighteen years of existence here on this Earth, it's that time keeps on dwindling by minute upon minute upon second upon second...

I remember the time

--->when I was ten and I told my mama I was gon be a star when I grew up. LOL And now i'm grown up and struggling to even keep my eyes open on the road to see a dang star.
--->when i was 15 and i said i was gonna run away when i was 16 to New York and perform on Broadway. Well, I run into the bathroom to avoid my father's hands on my neck.
--->when i used to be called "saddidy" and a "pretty boy" just because i had gray contacts.

Steadily as the days progress, I find myself creating more memories, following the same paths, and struggling to find out my destiny in life. I'm happy those days of me searching for a sense of self and struggling to pick my face up off the floor after my father hit me are finally over. But still til this day I feel my parents want me in their own straight jacket. They want to have the minimalist control on me they can because that's honestly the only hold they have on my life. I don't call my parents unless I want to (and definitely not when i need to). When we are on the phone I never tell them how I'm really doing or what's going on with me really. My parents wouldn't be able to handle the things that would come out of my mouth and I don't want them to ever get that close to me ever again. Those days of me telling my parents any and everything were over by the time i was thirteen. I'm not holding a grudge but I'm protecting my already fragile heart.

I bet people never suspected this side of me when they saw me as "Saddidy" in high school... but then again that's just the image i've always presented of myself: That there were so many layers to peel away until you reach the core and essence of Mr. Michael L Ward.

I guess I'm still peeling away the top layers...
  • Current Music
    Beverley Knight- Straight Jacket

What I Need From You Is Understanding...

This episode of Queer As Folk brings more and more understanding to my mind of the DL community even for white men. Falling in love with a man who is "DL" never really came across my mind. I swear I never even saw it coming until it hit me dead smack in the face. Sometimes the line is blurred in between infatuation, lust, and love even beyond my wildest belief. Our so was the case these past seven months. I have been turned down because #1 he wasn't ready for a relationship with a man and #2 because he wanted a woman. So both leave me feeling insecure and inadequate... so many poems are scrawled across my lips proclaiming my self worth and my cushion of security but they don't stop the thoughts... was i not masculine enough? it was that outfit wasn't it? i shouldn't have worn those pants? damn, i shoulda kept my mouth shut! who woulda known what the hell a corner back was anyway...? it's my aphro, is it the glasses? naw, im not aggressive enough. damn im too aggressive. i shouldn't have had sex with him. i shoulda cared more. i shoulda pulled back less. was i demanding? i shoulda did those damn push ups. and at the end of the day there i sit alone in my bed once again probably clutching my stuffed Elmo with a handful of questions and an eyeful of tears. yet again washing my mind of someone who I've shared so many memories, still harboring feelings of insecurity, inadequency in my gut. carrying my emotional baggage for the next man to slowly unpack and subside my waves of emotions. Sometimes I don't even attribute all my pain and hurt to those men who have hurt me in my lifetime. Sometimes I find myself the fool for even accepting half of the shit that I have in a relationship. I knew what is was from the beginning so what makes me think that I could change him? Why was I so god damn special? Why did I think I was the shit? And it's those false feelings of my security net that find me hurting time after time falling in love with the same type of men. Constantly craving for someone to wipe my tears and heal my wounded heart.

The First Time I read James Earl Hardy's debut novel, I marveled at the strength of a woman's music for healing. The ability for homosexual men to connect emotionally and spiritually to the lyrics and the emotional depth the "Big singers" display. I mean where we not hurt by men, some of these same men those women are singing about? Take an example of Deborah Cox's "We Can't Be Friends"... what? I am feeling the soul of this woman from a simple adlib. Tamia "Stranger In My House"... you almost feel as if he were there he would be locked still... Whitney Houston's "Run To You" sends me running around the room in pure agony. But most of all this UK D!VA: Beverley Knight has made my heart and soul turn circles night after night. Sitting in the bath tub smoking Apple Black 'N Milds thinking bout this tired ass motherfucker, singing along to her soundtrack of hurt and pain "Til I See Ya" ...

Just one moment
In the blink of an eye
Did I miss it
When you said your goodbye?
Heaven help me
There's a hole in my head
'Cause my last memories
Were the words that you said

Said you didn't want to lose me
Said you needed time to breathe
So tell me what the hell do I do now?

Left an open door
Can't use words no more
Quietly insane
'Til I see ya, 'til I see ya
I can hardly wait
Patience has been great
I won't speak your name
'Til I see ya

Feeling nervous
What are you tryin' to say?
Play your message
In my mind everyday
Analysing every pause in the line
So convincing when you said you were mine

Said I didn't have to worry
Said you didn't want to leave
So how come you're not here with me right now?

Questioning myself: how in the hell could I be so dumb? What in the hell am I thinking being friends? Why in the hell am I so wishy washy? So damn giving all the time? But most of all...why am I still in love. What makes my heart still beat? What makes my heart race when I mention his name....let it fall off my lips like gold....? When I know for certain right from the horse's mouth that he is full of shit. And instead of turning away, I still continue to pump tons of love into something that will never lift off the ground, something that is non existent, something all a figment of imagination. what am i thinking? do i really expect something miraculous to happen just because I would give so much more of myself than he would? Still so many words still unspoken, still so many emotions I'm feeling. For what? For fucking nothing... That's What....

But like the UK D!VA says: "Left an open door/Can't use words no more/Quietly insane/'Til I see ya, 'til I see ya"
  • Current Music

when i move, you move...

First day I'm working on Saturday and damn the time flies when you sleep til noon and gotta run around and get some shit done. Talked to my mama today and didn't have shit to say to her... I'll call her later when I feel better about everything... I don't wanna be here next year and looks as if I still will be here because of her so I have no comments on our situation.

My thoat hurts, I woke up with a sore throat and a big ass lump in there. All this talking and singing I been doing over the past month is cRazY on my throat. I really didn't feel like talking on the phone but I had to talk to my best friend and catch up on the 4-11 and see all that was going on. I'm just thinking bout the other 8 hours I'ma have to sit and talk on the phone to people. I definitely gotta get my meaness factor up and get these people off my phone. I hope I can get that TT down. No more talking for me until I'm over there. (Yea Right)

School for me can be flushed. I am so tired of school after this first semester that it ain't even funny. I'm not even going to take my finals. I'm just through with the shit and don't plan on going back until I start summer classes.

I guess I should be hopping in the shower and getting ready for work... We going to the Ludacris Afterparty @ Lotus afterwards so that may be coo. I'ma just be happy to be with my "work family" whilin' out and ish. But I know, and I've learned, not to expect too much.

And the rain outside my window brings bitter memories to my mind of a love I once had to leave behind...I've learned to not compromise with my heart...I'll be alright
  • Current Music
    Xscape- Softest Place On Earth


Your dating personality profile:

Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance.
Your date match profile:

Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape.
Your Top Ten Traits

1. Outgoing
2. Big-Hearted
3. Stylish
4. Adventurous
5. Religious
6. Athletic
7. Liberal
8. Wealthy/Ambitious
9. Sensual
10. Intellectual
Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Religious
2. Practical
3. Athletic
4. Sensual
5. Big-Hearted
6. Adventurous
7. Stylish
8. Conservative
9. Intellectual
10. Outgoing

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions
  • Current Music
    Amerie- Just Like Me

5 for Friday

1. How many locations (dwellings) have you lived in?
Being the military brat that I've just now grown out, I'm tryna remember. Somewhere around five or six...But it's soon to be seven now since I'm moving out

2. If you could place your dream home in any location, where would it be?
Somewhere in the islands, where nature and man can coexist without pestilence or horrible weather. somewhere where eternity could be tasted in my mouth and i could stretch out my hands to the beauty of never ending blue skies.

3. In terms of the act of moving: are you a packer or a box mover?
LOL. I'm so used to packing to go somewhere it's cRaZY so I'm much more of a packer... I cut on the stereo and throw everything out the drawers, closets, everywhere and just dance as I'm packing them up in boxes. I'ma dance-packer you can say...

4. What one item do you own that you absolutely hate to move?
Hmm...I think I don't really have one item I hate to move. I can tell you the one I left at home for college: my keyboard. And overall all of my CD's where the hardest to move. That's why I threw them under the bed... Shh, don't tell my mama.

5. What's worse: the act of moving or a routine cleaning at the dentist?
The dentist! OMG! Speaking of which I have to go schedule an appointment for those teeth manglers today for next week. At least packing I get to move around and am not stationary in one spot with my mouth being stretched. Well then again, is that really a bad thing?

Just Like Me...

i'd given up on love...
and i gave up on the chance that i'd ever fall head over heels
all the stars i've wished upon
i never thought that one will fall down on me
and ooh it's good to know ...

there's somebody somebody
who feels likes me
oooh it's good to know
there's somebody somebody
who loves like me

i've waited all my life...
Amerie-Just Like Me

The typical "I've found love" ballad is taking me over... I am enamored with this song. So sensual, so beautiful, and yet so blissful. Just makes me wanna lay on my floor in the dark and will the words into existence.

Watching Queer As Folk last night definitely made me consider the absolute chances of love and loss in this lifetime. I've dealt with only a portion of what I could be going through. Thank God, I still have my father and mother here on this Earth to guide my steps when I fall off the path. Love will come, and there's no need to be in a relationship right now for the satisfication or more like the gratification of having someone beside me when I wake up. I'm just rolling with life and letting everything run it's course. I'm no longer standing in the way of what's predestined.

Tina Turner's article in the new O magazine is definitely touching. This shows a new side of Tina, well the real side of T!NA, since everytime I think of her my mind shoots directly to my girl Angie B. I definitely vibe with Tina on some aspects of that relationship. I've been in so many horrible relationships it's been crazy, from physical to verbal abuse to cheating to lying to disrespect, I've dealt with a lot of shit. Luckily though nobody ever got the nerve to try and beat my ass, that's a whole differnt page. But for some reason like Tina says loyalty keeps you there in a relationship. T!NA, you're definitely one of my new inspirations.

I wake up with this calmness now, a peace, stillness in my life. I feel like I'm walking through life a lot lighter, less on my mind (even though there's so much right now with everything), and just a radiance of happiness that exudes from every pore on me. If I want to be all out silly, I don't give a fuck who's looking... If I turn up my Fefe Dobson and rock out while doing 65 in a 45mph speed zone (which I do not advise) then fuck it... If I want to tell the white dude next to me at work he's so damn huggable and he touches my ass then I feel I don't owe anyone an explanation on whether or not I like him or not. You only live life once and I'm just flowing with Earth's tides. Fuck the excess bullshit that's been weighing me down.

I'm floating through the universe and I'm waiting for that star to fall upon me...

**and if you're concerned on whether or not I'ma write about you in here or not then don't be. im not gonna put you out there like that cause you know that's not my style.**
  • Current Music
    Amerie- Just Like Me

falling in love with a daydream...

how come i never hear you say? i just wanna be with you
guess you never felt that way...but since you been gone
thanks to you...you should know i get what i want

I've become a lot more comfortable with drag queens by going to the clubs and experiencing their prescence first hand. This queen was up there singing Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and i was like "Work Bitch!". It was just an empowering moment for someone who doesn't even like drag queens. I loved shows after that...

the new image for the LJ layout is from my new domain falling in love with a daydream and i think the chemistry between those two characters are wonderful. visit their site at noah's arc and get to know the story just a lil more deeper...i've fallen in love with the storyline. :)

i'll see yall on other one of my domains sometimes.
  • Current Music
    Kelly Clarkson- Since U Been Gone

(no subject)

Jus getting back in from Wally World and came to check on my LJ peoples. I'm still grinding out 3 different layouts for 3 domains and prepping the new domain.

My life has been so increasingly busy that it is just cRaZy at times. Designing allows me to slow down and take some time for me, Writing allows me the release I've always wanted.

Loving for me has been thrown out the window. I'm in love with myself and this new baby right now. I have my hands and mind full right now. No time for anyone else in this box.

I think thas about all. If you want anymore http://www.darion-tariq.net is the place 2 B.
  • Current Music
    Syleena Johnson- Slowly

Explanation of Masculinity

I feel strange pulls from everywhere on my life, I'm feeling a lot more positive energy than I have before and I'm feeling better than I ever have before. Talking on the phone last night with Walter I let him know that I feel so much better, I feel able to breathe, to think, to sleep better, to not worry so much, not feel insecure, to be me, to love me, and just let everything else simply go... Because

In all my years of being young, naive, caring and so damn giving I honestly never expected so much rejection and oppression inside of the homosexual community. Maybe from the images presented on television I expected to have four or five really cool friends (if not most people) that I could go out with chill with and everything else. Even though this was the case in middle school, going from limited audtioning to get in to "anyone can come" also known as public school, it has totally been getting worse and worse off. I never knew really what the whole community and issues were about anyway. But now that I know somedays I wake up and it's like "How stoopid are some people?" I mean someone explain to me what is the definition of a man literally? Dictionary.com states

man n. pl. men (mn) - An adult male human.

So what exactly is all this talk about I want a man, a real man, this, that and the other? I am not caught up in the whole masculine rush so much that I miss out on genuinely good people in life. I don't discriminate love. I may though choose not to be in the company of someone because of their actions but if I meet someone off the bat I at least give them a chance to maybe become a possible friend. You can learn something from everyone.

I feel that's one of the things that definitely brought down the last "relationship". I'm not changing my image for anyone, I love the person I am. Love is so many things beyond discriminatory. And when I look at these finger snapping, gum popping, switching, s curl textured, slurry speeched "Queens" (as we so often call them) I say to myself "okay, I'm really not that bad. What is the real deal with this?" I don't care to watch football, basketball, to keep up with the latest rappers/videos, wear my clothes XXL when I wear L, baggy clothing. That's not me. Sometimes I just like to wear my jeans the correct size, wear my screen print tee small, lace up my dirty chucks, and blast my Brandy "Never Say Never" while I'm speeding home. I am in love and embrace all the things that make me "maculine" such as being born with a penis, no breasts, and testosterone. I am love with all things that I define as being "feminine": my sensitivity, my caring nature, my love for people, and my heart. I love the blend, the mesh of everything in my life. The fact of just living free and not worrying about being masculine or being good enough for someone. I think that's a sad life to live and I see so many African American males deal with that struggle everyday. In high school I was taunted as being saddity and a pretty boy (oops did i mention conceited) and now in the real world I'm not masculine enough. Sometimes it makes me laugh because I used to give in and just say "okay...im feminine...my voice could be deeper...i could not wear the chucks today and go for something else...is this shirt giving the wrong impression?"

But now I'm free and can breathe because I'm in love with me. If I wanna go to school in my small tee, fitted jeans, high knee socks or dickie shorts, white tee, and some chucks then that's me. I don't feel the need to be categorized, or explain my masculinity to anyone. And next time...trust me I won't.

So that's what confuses me when I see/hear "I want a man"... Now I just shake my head and laugh...