Sade "on the low"

While viewing the trailer for the newest DL movie out there "on the low" in the world today, I ran across this old Sade record. "Love Is Stronger Than Pride" ... I love the concept of making this my heartbreak song dealing with the same sex relationships I encounter in today's society. I'm just letting Sade serenade my ears in the background while I type this entry and think introspectively...

why am i the only person who seems to not be able to stay in a relationship? i chalk it up to so many aspects of my personality. and i am not changing the person i am for anyone else. it's not that right now i am at all looking for love or wanting to be in a relationship. my eyes have been opened to so many things that i think it's even foolish for me to say i still care for someone or like someone. because i know what i feel in my heart. but i can say that i have a few new crushes besides Andre. lol And one of them I was sposed to visit his birthday party 2nite but i got off work 2 late to actually go ride out there. besides he's prolly alrerady drunk and i'm not jumpstarting a relationship off with that mess. besides, he has a girlfriend. jus playing.

what i tell my female friends all the time is that they think that homosexual men are "Stealing" their men away from them. and i find it quite ironic when their men are the ones searching for us. so i don't think we are going out there trying to steal anyone away. i know just for me on a personal basis, im not interested anymore in on the down low or bisexual men. too much damn drama and confusion. almost drove myself insane with that shit. so if i find any hint of "i got a girlfriend" or "damn, lemme holla at her" coming from his lips then i'm definitely not interested. there's a certain maturity level i feel it takes to accept that you like men, i don't need the ones who just like to fuck men. sorry, God gave me more than just an asshole or penis. so i'm not the one stealing your men away women.

i think for my own sake and self, i need to definitely become more conscience of the things existing both inside and outside of the homosexual community. so many times i am left out of the loop about certain things that i may have had a say in our something. i think it's time i embrace that side of myself and honestly remain interested in the politics that involve my sexuality.

and the book is coming...i'm almost there... just weeding out some errors and finding a final way to intertwine some interesting stories with the poems. keep checking on the other domain for any updates on the book...

i'm going to sleep... holla when i wake up a lil later 2day


For the past two days I have yet to put on clothes...Well for more than a few hours. I have been walking around this damn room with no clothes on, lounging in the bed, doing pushups and crunches, making up dances, eating, talking on the phone and sleeping, all with no clothes on. Why? One might ask haven't I put on any clothes... Hmm, for some reason I think there's a certain comfort level I have yet to reach with myself and there are a lot of insecurities I have yet to work involving my body. I know I'm getting fat...The Freshman 15 has caught up with me =( I'm officially weighing in at 145 and my waist size is now a 32... (sounds anorexic ay?) I can still slip into some pants a lower size but then they show off all my goodies. I know from track that I've always had strong, large thighs but now they seem to be ever growing. I'm not even mentioning my ass in this entry! LOL So lately I've been admiring pictures of the male body... From Usher to Jesse to Andy to Brett... White, Black, Rican, Mixed...And then I look at myself in the mirror and I feel fat. I know these are the pre-anorexic syndromes but I feel they are more of my inspirations and motivations. I think I've said too much...time to go put some clothes on.

To Be Continued

This is ME: Darion Tariq...finally uncovered

aside***i find it incredibly strange when i start singing my own damn song at an awkard moment when something just triggers my damn memory...and last night I was thinking bout fucking (not the verb tense) Jamaica (the person, not the place) like mad (not an adjective, or is it?) CrAzY (and yea im definitely insane). So I start out of nowhere humming the melody (courtesy of Soleternity) and then the chorus escapes (inspired by Jamaica's graduation) and then before it i'm all in the car laughing at my own damn self.... those are some of the weirdest times ever for me...***

someone has asked me the experience in life that has made me who I am.
i would honestly say that the experience that changed my perception of who I viewed myself as and what made me so much more confident about who I was was definitely writing and recording music. the ability to lock my room door, sit on the floor with my headphones and write to an instrumental. To look down at the paper and finally bleed all my emotions into 4 minutes was incredibly cathartic to me. For so many years I had lead a lie, had hidden my emotions behind a smile, and tried to die. But for me finding something all my own, something no one could take away from me, something that expresses me was bliss. I couldn't lie in words, nobody couldn't steal my song from me. and so begin the foray into music for me. I had a keyboard when i was in the sixth grade and had piano lessons by 8th grade, i begin coming up with lil melodies and things floating around in my head.

I remember the first song I wrote was about my friends turning their back on me... I sat in my window of our LondonTowne Apartment and looked out onto the sidewalk and just begin to write everything that was in my heart. The lies, the betrayal, the shame, the feelings of never finding true people who cared for me and most of all never ever finding love. As I sat down at the piano and started putting chords together and piecing a melody together, I began to feel some of that stress run through me...everything was being released from me. Suddenly after writing down the keys, I felt a sigh of relief that everything on my chest was gone.

I fell in love with words. I lived for words, to breathe them, to speak them, to hear musical notes, to express myself through music.

Sitting down and mentally focusing on putting together a collection of songs was hard but was also the most fun I had ever had. I remember sitting in the living room, listening to a collection of beats with my notepad scribbling away whatever was on my heart with my parents circling around in the house, unsuspecting that their baby boy was recording an album. I remember writing songs about love, lust, love lost, growing up without a father, feeling confident, feeling bounded, feeling free, and exploring all the thoughts in my mind. The first CD was cool because I was discovering my sound, my style, getting in the things I wanted to explore in my mind and I was having so much fun. Listening to the first round of mixes (courtesy of my horrible self), I was totally amazed that something I had made was totally mine. This came from myself, every single word, every single lyric, was mine.

I hated my name because I was named after my father and I hated having any likeness to my father so with liberation of everything, I wanted to get rid of my name. I originally was gonna use the alias Dark Affinity but Darion Tariq seemed to fit me a lot better. Darion came from a name search and seemed to fit all the qualities I had in my mind...Tariq pays an ode to talented Tarik of The Roots by changing the K to a Q. Through Darion Tariq I could say what I felt, I could speak my mind and say what I felt.

Going back in my tiny lil' room with the microphone and N-Track setup, I felt like I was prepared to release all the emotions building into my pre-teen body. I remember turning all the lights down low, just listening to the beats in my headphone. Many of the songs erupting from my first CD were dark and introspective and in an oxymoron fashion, I titled the album "Sunshine". This was my sunshine, the first time someone listening could know the exact feelings at any particular moment in my mind. So even though this album was dark and definitely introspective, this was my liberation from harboring around fifteen years of pain inside. "Sunshine" took over a year and a half to record. I had recorded over 100 songs by the time I mentally began to put the tracklisting together. I just had so much to say that I continously wrote and recorded during that year and a half. I picked seventeen songs that I felt expressed what Sunshine meant to me, I mixed those songs down, and I burned only two copies of that CD on July 23rd 2003. Only two souls in this world have a copy of that album.

little boy

i really miss you
the way you used to be
so softspoken and gentle
so self confident
head back, shoulders upright
so naive
so innocent to the winds of this world
ready to jump at any challenge
heart open, giving to the last drop

sometimes i close my eyes
and wish you back into my soul
i wish to hold you in my sleep at night
i pray i'll find you in the next lifetime

we'll meet again, little boy
then we shall never part
cause in my heart
i know the ways of this world
and who I want to be is all in my reach
never let no one stop me
follow my heart beat
so i apologize little boy
that you couldn't be with me

can't take back the way my life has been
don't regret finding this place of calm
but i know if I did some things differently
wouldn't miss my little boy at all
you'd be right here inside of my heart
living your life, growing up so tall

sometimes i close my eyes
and wish you back into my soul
i wish to hold you in my sleep at night
i pray i'll find you in the next lifetime

we'll meet again, little boy
then we shall never part
cause in my heart
i know the ways of this world
and who I want to be is all in my reach
to never let no one stop me
follow my heart beat
go with what make me happy
so i apologize little boy
that you couldn't be with me

maybe in the next lifetime..
maybe, just maybe
we'll see each other once more
maybe in the next lifetime...
maybe, just maybe
i won't push you out the door...

sometimes i open my eyes and realize
your back in my life
i pray i could hold onto you when i close my eyes


written by michael ward...may 8th 2005
  • Current Music
    Soleternity's Beat

when you touch me

Wish I could hold you
Just for a little while, let me
I wish I could see you right now
But you're so far away
It's driving me crazy
I'm missing you baby
And the way you touch me
It's not like anything I've ever felt before
That's how I know I am yours

Maybe Brandy's "Full Moon" was an underrated album alongside "Afrodisiac"...It's refreshing to listen to Brandy, she's slowly developing into one of my favorite singers. =)

I think now is the time to definitely make up in my mind what I wanna do with me and how I'ma get there. I definitely need to get some priorities in line, and some dreams in order. I need to start making steps towards those dreams. Cause right now I see college isn't for me. My ambitions and dreams are to get the fuck outta college as fast as possible and definitely get outta the state of Florida. I wanna explore another side of the world, maybe move back to Houston, but somewhere explore my dreams and ambitions. I definitely need to take the reins of my life and do what it is I feel is most beneficial to me. I feel that in my heart...

The stigma of being a black male homosexual trips me out sometime...It's like you get categorized all the time as "gay". Oh yea, Michael, that gay boy from Total Kaos? or You know he's gay right? Hasan was speaking on this earlier and I definitely agree...And then society wonders why people don't come out openly even though it's widely accepted.

I need to dance...I need to do something...I think I'ma start working on some more 8 counts and definitely choreograph this whole entire song: Keyshia Cole's "I Just Want It To Be (Over)". The horns are sick on that song.

Am I finally slowly receding? I think I'm slowly pulling back all my emotions and placing them back into one piece. I think I'm finally healing my broken heart... Time to wake up and smell the shit that was all over his ass...LOL That's life though, to live, learn, and experience... Anyway I do have a crush on a small entity of my life...But thas top secret and besides that all it will be is a crush...Enough about all that...I gotta go
  • Current Music
    Brandy- When You Touch Me

crazy things I do for ... umm lust?

It’s like I hate to love ya
a charade we play time after time (time after time)
It’s like ya love to see me
confused and a mess I’m losing my mind (I’m losing my mind)
I gotta get away
cause’ your making me weak
It’s keeping me trapped (keeping me trapped)
I gotta be a fool
sitting here tryna get that old thing back (thing back oh)
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

Keyshia Cole is singing that damn song from the bottom of her gut and you can hear it in her voice that she's hurting. Well I'm pretty sure the whole apartment complex can hear me singing this damn song while I'm locked in this room trying to fit shirts in these drawers. I'm feeling you on that tip Keyshia. But you need some personality development, and definitely a stylist boo cause you are lacking something special in a star. You've got the voice, now let's get the image together.

I don’t wanna love you
don’t wanna need you
just wanna leave you (I swear)
I just want it to be over (I just want it to be over)
I just want it to be over (I just want it to be over)

I think I'ma make me a Heartbroken mix CD, let's get this new system kicked off!!!!

Last night was one of those fun dorm nights. I swear I had so much fun running up and down the damn hallways. It was definitely an experience that I will never forget. I was running around with my durag all loose with my hat pulled low so people wouldn't get a good look at my face. I think I've done the corniest thing ever for a crush last night, and the most severe case of jealousy arose in me (but Lindsay & I soon laughed it off). LOL I know that boy is somewhere in his room like WTF? Not on two doors? LOL... Anyway though the story goes a lil something like this.

I pulled up the Aeropostale jeans and threw the tank top on with a splash of cologne, grabbed the keys, cranked the car up, rolled the windows halfway down, pulled the cap down and rode to the school with my "Never Say Never" (Brandy that's a classic for ya) on track 4...So Lindsay & I have this "brilliant" idea of going to see where exactly this boy stays in KA and if he was home. So we are running around on each floor (me with no shoes on, durag coming loose) giggling like little girls looking at everyone's doors. But dumb us we forgot the boy's real name so we were just running around lost listening to everyone's conversations inside the doors and whatnot. So someone came out the door and we took off running down the hall laughing our ass off. So then we make it to this floor with one of those thingies that you can erase shit off of and so we erase the whole little game. (i seriously had a brain fart) and then we ring their door bell and run outside to run up the stairs and then remember that we have no ID to get back in the building, so we have to run all the way back down laughing and shit. It almost felt good to not have to worry about anything anymore. I was so happy about that. Finally got to have some fun for a change...

ooohhh my stomach's grumbling but I'ma still get in the bed and roll over... be back soon

Quotes to Live By

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you , nothing can make him stay.

If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

through these misty eyes it's plain to see..

through these misty eyes it's plain to see..

Sometimes I see the absolute good in humanity living inside of people. I try to see past the bullshit because I want to love and know the good in everyone. But sometimes that shit just has to die... Sometimes you just have to pull away and let it go. And I think letting go for me is getting harder day by day but I'm not even dragging myself through that same old shit again. Friends or no friends... We'll just be cool.

Talking to Brandon last night was so refreshing...I feel a lot closer with him since we've finally cut through all the bullshit and been honest with each other. Honestly just makes me wonder why it's so hard for people to be themselves in a relationship? And some of the things that we discussed just kinda clarified why he did things that way he did. I understand we are all humans and I love him for the simple fact he actually is tryna grow up and be a man that a 21 year old is. Not that my heart is totally open to him but I have a lot more empathy for him. That's real talk...

Dark Affinity [dot] Net is still being prepared... I know I'ma have to fuck wit these damn databases again even though I don't even want to...So if the MySQL don't work then I'm just coding everything by hand. But thas turning into a hosting site so if you want me to keep you on the lookout on when the site is opening then just email me at and I'll make you aware...Come one, come all...Requirements and everything coming later.

Besides that people I need to be getting my pretty ass up and dressed cause I got a "Team Meeting" at 1:00 and then im riding out the late night shift again so people enjoy your weekends and y'all do the damn thang for ME... *waving*

Peace Out
  • Current Music
    Beverley Knight- First Time